Broken N

This morning I took a long walk just to rest my soul. It has been hard to get back into the habit of restful walks.  As crossed a bridge I was drawn to how calm the water was. I stood beside these still waters and asked God to bring my soul to a place as calm and still as the water appeared. It was interesting to know that there is some much life beneath the surface of that calm water.  I know there is life in me too.

I continued along the road and found this broken metal N.  My immediate thought was "how appropriate."   I've been a broken and felt so lost. I wonder what I looked like as the Creator took my broken form in His hand and carried me. Maybe I won't find my identity in being called "Mr. Neuenschwander." Maybe this is the path to finally understanding the better name God has for me. 


Yesterday I prayed specifically, "God, I want a miraculous God.  I am tired of the pathetic, watered down one."  Today this verse came.  

Deuteronomy 7:19 "You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the miraculous signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the LORD your God brought you out. The LORD your God will do the same to all the peoples you now fear." 

I'm wondering what it is God is leading me to. I have a feeling that this wandering has a much more important outcome then I ever imagined.

Living in the Middle

For a while now I have felt stuck. The past still lingering and the future still distant. I looked at this first as a torment and then an as opportunity for growth. Growth however requires change, and so I set about looking for the points that need to change. I suggest that everyone do this.

Over the last few weeks I have come to a couple conclusions about my growth areas.

First, There are areas in which I am very unforgiving. I took time to pray about this,  and realized that I can not live a life of unforgiveness. I would never fully heal.

Second, My chief complaint has been against God. Specifically His slowness to judge what I have demeaned wick. I judged that those that hurt me are evil, wicked persons hell bent on destroying me. I deemed them worthy of God’s judgement and thus I had viewed myself as innocent.

This was a hard thing to digest. It did not fit nicely into the "get over it" space that people keep pushing me towards. I took time to pray. I understand that this judgement is based largely on my emotional state. This is the state I am in. I am glad that I could admit this, by virtue of admitting I was hurt, I acknowledge that my judgement is not in complete health.

I pray. I am drawn to scripture…

…Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.
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1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
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So we should learn to look on the heart, right?  See what people really intend? This is as I was traditionally taught. Here’s the problem. We are incapable of doing this. Go ahead and argue that you can see peoples true intentions. Go ahead. I will tell you that I believe you are wrong. I don't believe individuals are able to understand their own intentions most of the time. This requires a deeper understanding then the average person applies, and also maybe totally impossible without the aid of the Holy Spirit to begin with.

So I for one am going to attempt to no longer apply, what I believe to be erroneous interpretation, to this passage. It judge led me to judge others wrongly. 

I decided to look at this passage again, apply the simple truth that we are not God to this process.

We are left with two options.
-Option One:  We just can’t do what we were taught we are supposed to do.  We face the question, "Is God asking the impossible from us?'

-Options Two:  The statement should just be read as true fact. We do this and God does this.

I will tell you right now that God does not ask the impossible from us. He asks us to acknowledge what we are and thus our need for him.  So what’s my point? What if this verse is simply a reminder of the short comings of human understanding. If I stay conscience of this short coming then it opens up the possibility of something huge.

Before I say what I believe that is let me first explore the negative that comes along with thinking we really know someones heart.  As humans when someone pleases us we believe there intention to be benevolent.  As a human when someone displeases us we believe their intentions to be malevolent. So our human understanding tends to be based on a pleased or displease response.

What about when we step out of this mentality and remain cognizant of our human inability to see true heart?  I believe this leaves space for that small zone between pleasure and displeasure.  This is the zone where the benefit of the doubt lives.  It is where we can say we aren’t pleased with the result, but we understand that the outcome was not the result of purposeful wickedness, but a mistake or accident occurred.

We don’t like to live in this area. We like to pretend we do, but we don’t like living here. You may protest, but I’m preaching to myself too. I like to believe that I am loving and forgiving, but I also like to believe that I “KNOW’ people and can see what motivates them and that I’m an authority on everybody else business. 
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Side note: Learning to ignore things is not the same thing as being a loving and forgiving person. Learning to ignore things usually makes you ineffective in actually helping others or it makes you a ticking time bomb that will explode at a later date.
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So where we like to live (or mistakenly live) is not the same as where God wishes us to live. Why do I say this? Look below…

Reference: 1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. Proverbs 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.

I believe that love lives in the middle zone. Love is not self pleased and love does not harbor an offense.  So love lives in the unnatural middle. It is here that as few of our most popular verses actually live and find meaning. Catch phases like, “I can do all things through Christ & all things are possible for those.” 

Let me take an unpopular stance right now. I don’t believe that these have anything to do with my athletic prowess or work success except in the area of Christ like character. If they did I would have to debate where Tim Tebow failed and Steph Curry succeeded in following Christ. I'm not going to do that because I don't believe the verse apply the way most people are choosing to apply them.

Why am I even going down this road? I am on this road because I believe true healing pushes me toward this middle place. That the calls to “get over it” and “just move on” are completely contrary to Christ’s work in our lives. The middle is a place that I can not live in under my own strength. It is a place that God's love sustains us and His joy in us is full.

As I have been on this journey toward I realize that I have been wandering in and out of this middle. This occurred mostly because I would be pressed to revisit things that I should have forgiven. I can't blame others for this. I chose to revisit those hurts that stirred up judgement within me. It made me feel momentarily better to see myself as the victim. Whether or not I was the victim is not the point. Revisiting the hurt to be the victim stirred judgement and pushed forgiveness down the road.

So here I am looking at the middle and realizing full well that if I can submit to God's spirit, then I can live there. I have two very simple, but extremely difficult things to do in order for this to happen. First, I must stop believing I can "perfectly" judge peoples motivations.  Second, I must actually allow forgiveness to take place.

Sadly, I don't believe I have the strength to do this. Thankfully....."I can do all things through him who strengthens me."Philippians 4:13

I believe that God wants me to live in the middle and so it must be possible for Him to hold me there.
I know that some of us have been really hurt, and it's hard to believe that things can get better. I know it's hard. I want to leave you with the words of Job. 
       “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

If God wants it. It is possible. We just have to be willing to go there with Him.

Addressing the Purpose.

Addressing the Purpose.

Months and months ago when I first found myself in total life upheaval, I had a very blunt conversation with God. I will summarize it briefly.

Me- God, what are you doing?
God- What must be done.
Me- It hurts.
God- I know.
Me-Why does this have to happen?
God -What is it you should want more than anything?
Me - To be who you created me to be.
God-Do you want that or not?
Me-Yes
God -Then this is necessary.
Me -Then do it all now. I don't want to have to restart this. 

Sure the conversation was more in depth than that, but you get the feel of it. I came to that place that we should get to naturally, but sin stops us. It is only because of the pain that my will began to align with God's. I had thought that I was submitting to God, but there is always a deeper submission.

The point I am making is this. I am not simply looking to be OK. Some people view the steps I am taking to be extreme and unnecessary. Those people want me to be OK, to return to status quo. This just isn't my goal. It isn't God's goal either.

God is not looking for us to be OK. God wishes to take us on the deep changing journey that only He can. He wishes to reveal who we were created to be. So I have simply chosen to submit to the path that bypasses OK on the way to who God created me to be.

I hope that this answers some of the questions surrounding the process. Please continue to pray and support this process even if you can't understand it completely.

Addressing another part of the Process.

People continue to ask questions about how I process through issues as I heal. So I wanted to give those of you that read my blog, a peak behind the curtain.

How do I process? I spend a lot of time isolating each feeling and then distilling it down into a solid issue that can then be dealt with individually. 

The reason I do this is because I believe when we make statements like, "I'm angry because..." we have missed the depth of what drives emotion.  Anger is a broadly sweeping emotion that covers to much ground. The reasons underneath are usually complex based on years of compiling events. I try to never allow myself to be satisfied by a childish level of diagnosis.

Today I sat down and tried to write out what I am feeling toward those who sinned against me, yet continue on as if they are serving God without fault.

Here is a first pass at writing it out.
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I pity your apathy
You keep going as if you've done nothing
It begs the question...
Do you stop to think?

I pity your complacency
You continue on in a weak understanding
It begs the question...
Do you pray to the air?

I pity your compromise
You allowed the slide to occur
It begs the question...
Do you hold any standard?

I pity your shallowness
You refuse to walk into the deep
It begs the question...
Do you hear God?
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Please don't judge me to harshly on this piece. It's not meant to be published or even shared on Facebook. It just shows you the start of the process. When I look at it I see that I've recognized within those persons several negative things.  I think, "Oh, Those really aren't things a follower of Christ should embrace."  Still I have to ask why these have made healing difficult for me.

I take a deeper look and understand that these are things that I work really hard to never fall into because I hate things like APATHY, COMPLACENCY, COMPROMISE and SHALLOWNESS. In fact I view them as things that enable the wicked to prey on the defenseless innocence of the world.

Still I press deeper and realize that when I see these in people who say they "know" Jesus, it makes me view them as enablers of the problem. I see them as tools of sin to hurt the ones I wish to protect.

So seeing the ones who hurt me, as the ones that still hurts others, does not allow the painful event to be in the past.  So I am here still hurting not from a past wound, but from a daily wound.

Further along in the process and I begin to pray specifically that God deals with my present in ability to forgive. If you are still following this then I assume you understand that if they came to me and confessed there wrong, I feel compelled by God to forgive.

But what if they never come? Will I have to be held captive buy their actions?  I know this is not what God wants.  So then my mind always jumps the the scripture as God pushes me forward.

2 Corinthians 5:2-6  I beg of you that when I am present I may not have to show boldness with such confidence as I count on showing against some who suspect us of walking according to the flesh. ³ For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. ⁴ For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. ⁵ We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, ⁶ being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.

I understand that I want to punish every disobedience, but my obedience is not complete. I have to submit my way of hurt thinking. It must be captive to Christ. I am not healing because I am allowing my flesh to use un-captive thoughts against my own heart.
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Where it goes from there is a matter of time and prayer. As I said before, please don't judge me to harshly based on this writing. I didn't premeditate it at all.  I just LIVE processed so you could get a glimpse behind the curtain.

If your question is, "BRIAN, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PART IN THE PROBLEM?"  Well that was the first thing I tried to process. We should always consider our own fault first. It's easier for me to see that part then the other, and honestly it was a really freeing experience. I encourage you to try it.

Taking Time to Heal

Week One in Pennsylvania

Saying Goodbye:  I departed late Oct. 31st after putting the girls to bed.  This was an incredibly painful thing. Kissing those little girls goodbye re-broke my heart.  There was a moment where I had to remind myself that my healing was the best thing I could do for them. Now every time I talk to them on the phone, I remind myself that Daddies have to guard their hearts so that they can guard their children's hearts.  I am grateful for my Mother, Brother and Sister-in-Law for agreeing to give extra love to the girls, while I am gone.

Trip overview:  Driving & Sleeping: I drove the approximately 2900 miles taking only two sleep brakes totaling 5 hours. When I was to tired to drive I would just pull into a rest stop, climb into the back of the car and sleep.

Eating:  I packed my own healthy food. Other then gas I spent under $10 on the trip. I did break down and buy coffee one morning, a large bottle of water, one soda and a small bag of M&Ms.

Thinking:  I listened to very little music during the drive. Instead I had selected a few podcasts and audio books that I knew would prompt me to think. I spent large portions of the drive in prayer.

Arriving:  I arrived at 2AM on Friday November 3rd.  Then I slept.

Activity:  I have had two formal meetings with my healing mentor and several informal. Sadly I fell very quickly back into my habit of becoming to involved. I began filling my time with helping others and then had to take a big step back as I realized I was beginning to strangle my own healing process.
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As for right now I am:

- currently walking through what ended up being a very painful look at what exactly is wrong.

-reading the book of Romans over and over again everyday.

-being challenged to confront the issue of identity. Specifically finding identity in being a child of God verses finding my identity in ministry or vocational calling.

-going on a deep exploration of whether or not my American- Judeo-Christian view of "Turning the other cheek" and "Righteous Anger," are anywhere near those of Jesus Christ.

-trying to understand how we move on when the one's that hurt us seem to be allowed to still run around hurting others.

-making huge progress in writing my second novel.

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I will try to post some more in depth thoughts once they stop spinning in my head.  Please continue to pray that God will excavate the deep recesses of my heart and that I stay willing.

The Abandoning Wandering

One of my favorite J.R.R. Tolkien quotes states, "Not all those who wander are lost."  It's a line from the poem All That is Gold Does Not Glitter.  I think I love this quote because I like to wander, with the name Neuenschwander, what do you expect.

I will probably return to this subject at a later
date, but wanted to approach the idea.

When I look at the story of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.


Joshua 5:6 recounts, "For the people of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, until all the nation, the men of war who came out of Egypt, perished, because they did not obey the voice of the Lord; the Lord swore to them that he would not let them see the land that the Lord had sworn to their fathers to give to us, a land flowing with milk and honey."

I have taught this story for years and each time I feel that I come closer to understanding. Still today I am wondering about the process. They spend years in the wilderness. During this time they do worship God. They do receive instruction. They do have good an bad times. They submit, but also rebel. They older rebellious generation dies off and the younger generation is left knowing only the wandering life as normal.

This makes me wonder about my walk with God. I have now walked with God for over twenty years. It's a generation really. Years spent seeing the different rebellious parts of me be put to death. As I approach this next stage of life I truly wonder if I am at a loss because it will be so different. Could it be that I have grown so accustom to the WILDERNESS, that I can not perceive the promised land?

I wonder if my struggle could possibly be a indication of how the American church in general has acclimatized to the wilderness as the norm.  I better get back on track. That is way to big a subject for me to tackle today.

The long and short of it is this:   I am excited to stop wandering, and willing go fight in the land. -Whatever battles need to take place in order to let me settle into that land.
-Whatever soil needs to be tilled in my heart in order for me to rest in the Lord.
-Whatever sacrifice needs to be made for me to hold nothing back from my God.

I understand that fear kept them from the land. Fear, uncertainty and longing for the familiar all bound together to tare their hearts from the God of Signs and Wonders. So as I stand here preparing to cross multiple rivers, mountains and valleys, ...

I am moved with JOYFUL TREPIDATION, and I wonder if I am truly ready to stop wandering.

Ungracious Response To Your Own Question

She looked at me and said, “Oh get over it. God’s got you.”

Because of this I didn’t post for awhile. It was a weird exchange. One that made me want to respond in a very non Christ manner. A moment of pause later, and I simply smiled and said, “That’s why I’m taking the steps forward.”

It’s not that I don’t know that God has me. That’s not the issue at all. It’s that life leaves emotional scares. I hadn’t been walking around crying or bemoaning my life. In fact I was just walking through the halls being “OK.”   She stopped me. This woman I’ve known for years and who knew my story. She asked me, “How you doing?”  I paused for a moment and said, “Ah well..”  Before I could continue she responded, “Oh get over it. God’s got you.”

Get over it?

The reason I bring it up is because this seems to be a trend.  Lot’s of good people asking others how they are, only to turn on them for responding in a less then the socially acceptable way.  The interesting thing is that I was going to tell her that things were rough, but I knew God would guide me through it. Instead of that exchange I was left feeling a greater distanced from the body of Christ. 

So maybe it’s time to clarify for all of us. Telling people in passing to, “Get over it,”  is not the encouragement that we are to offer. You have effectively told the person that their hurt or pain is not valid. You are saying that you are not a safe person to share with, and worse yet, you are telling them that you either don’t really care; or you don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with their hurt.

Now if you and I are sitting together and you lean over and say, “Hey I want to help you get past this. God has you.”   Well that’s a bridge of encouragement to a person stranded on an island of hurt. 

One exchange helps. One exchange hurts. This exchange made me feel like I just shouldn’t respond to things for awhile.

Speaking to the idea of "God's got you."
Psalms 91:1-2 says, He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

If you are hurting remember God will hold you through the pain and into the healing process.

Monday is Monday, but Joy is Joy

I don't know how you feel about Mondays, and I'm guessing that not everyone had a good day.  I just don't think It has to do with Monday being Monday as much as it does with the general attitude we have about going back to work after a break. 

My kids weren't thrilled to head back to school after being off for four days and I wasn't wanting to send them off.  I enjoyed spending that extra time with them. 

Still there was something wonderful about the fact that I got to do some work today and it was relatively pain free. I was joyful in just having the opportunity to work. Now later tonight I may feel some pain in my bad shoulder, but....yes I am feeling some pain in my shoulder already…I still have that joy. 

It is in this joy that I recognize that even though today was tough (because it was) I still had that thing that turned would be toil into something to smile about.

Take a moment to reflect on Psalm 90:17 “May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands.”

I may not being doing the work I want to be doing, but this work is still from God. There has been very little that I have been able to do about work, but my attitude has been within my reach this whole time. Each day I find joy, I also find victory.

I hope you can find that thing in your work too.  I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s necessary, and it’s of God.

Recognize the Actual Battle

This morning I awoke cranky, hurt and upset. Almost immediately I recognized that I was wrestling with the flesh.  Recently I have recently been experiencing what it is like to have love and acceptance offered to me as people rallied around me. The flesh had forced hurt and frustration upon me. The supporters offered love and acceptance. One of these was of God. This waking realization is driving a change in me. As my once blind eyes, slowly open to the love around me, I embrace the healing process more. 

Galation 6: 1-10 speaks to me today. “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. 5 For each will have to bear his own load.” 

I have understood that I had to bear my own load, and I understand helping others bear there load. Maybe, just maybe God wants me to truly understand how He sends others to help gently bear my load too. This is so much to take in, it’s almost overbearing (pun intended). 

So a couple of loaded questions:
What has been or is the road block to healing in your own life?
Why haven't you been able to overcome it?

Encouragement Beating Back Disappointment

This simple phrase, "Put this toward your gofund." This is the phrase that turned a otherwise disappointing day into a bright spot in my week.  It is so easy to let that moment of despair become a second moment and then a third. 

Here I am at a point in life where I find myself feeling completely drained and incapable. I fight that mental battle as it rages in me every time I feel I should be able to do this.  Then I get weary and then as if it was His plan all along someone walks in.

It is always better when the hands or feet of God, enter the scene without pretense. There is no need for a trumpet to sound when one of us does something good. We can be assured that a trumpet will sound when Christ returns, so we can leave that to Him.  The humble servants that we are called to be need not toot our own horns.

Today as I drifted in my still unsteady walk, other followers of Christ drifted into my life and steadied me.  I can not express enough the value of humble support. It is in these unpretentious acts of love that I see the glaring contrast that is pride.

Where ever Christ is taking me on this journey, I pray He grants me a servants heart. I am not there yet. I am not even close, but I am grateful that I was shown amazing examples of that heart today. 

 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1Peter 5:6

It could be that I am unable to be lifted completely out of this mess, simply because I have not yet been humbled to the point God desires.  I will need to think on this more, but for now I am encouraged.

The Pain of Withheld Reason

One of the most painful parts of healing is lack of information. You may have the desire to move forward, but not a clear understanding as to what you are moving forward from. If you are like me then you have experienced the pain of event without explanation. This is common and the phrase “God only knows” comes to mind and is often appropriate.

What about those times when it’s not appropriate?  Those times when the other person or people involved, do know the reason and simply refuse to share.

I am reminded of Jesus’ admonishment in Matthew 5, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”  

I have this gift that I wish to offer God, yet I am stuck in this place of wanting reconciliation.  The roadblock in healing becomes how do you move past the  question of “What did I do?” when no reason is given. How did I lose this job, relationship, place, _________ (fill in the plank)?  I am asking all of these right now.

People saying, “You know what you did,” does not help. Nor is it Christ like at all.

Romans 14:13 states, “Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.” 

As a Christian I understand that I am not to withhold the reason.  I don’t get to breaking fellowship or cast someone aside. This is a particle of the flesh, and not the Father’s will. Our Heavenly Father desires us to walk into the healing of reconciliation. He asks that as much as it pertains to us we live at peace (Romans 12:8). This seeking peace does not walk off without reason, having thrown another life into chaos.

As for me, I am seeking peace even as I am left without reason for so many things. I am also left with a deeper commitment to not withholding information that would help another heal. I don’t want to put that stumbling block in front of someone else healing process, and I would encourage everyone to do the same.

 Taking Time to Heal

"Have you taken the time to heal?"
This was the question posed to me recently by one of my accountability partners. The answer was, "No, I'm too busy."

But it was the next question that floored me.
"You keep trying to take care of your girls, but how can you give them the best if you don't take care of yourself."

People keep asking what's happened in my life to bring me to the point of needing some time away. I would discribe the last two years as betrayal, loss, hurt, pain and repeat.

Whether through loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of my physical health, loss of friendships and loss of yet another place to live...

Yes, I understand that God is doing a work in me, and will heal me if I submit to the process. The thing is, before this was even a possibility I had to get to the end of myself, in order to see how hurt and weak I am.

This is why I am asking for your help. I need to enter fully into the process of healing.

Why Do I Need Funds:
I was recently introduced to a wonderful Pastor on the East Coast who has agreed to walk me through the healing process. Currently I am planning to cross the country twice for multi-week stays.

The funds will be used for travel expenses, room and board, as well as any unforeseen costs.

I understand that some of you may not understand why this is necessary. Please feel free to privately contact me if you need more info.

click here to GoFundMe 

THAT'S NOT A UNICORN!  

Join the community on KICKSTARTER.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/174333650/thats-not-a-unicorn-illistrated-childrens-book

Back in Action & That's Not a Unicorn!

Well it's been awhile.  Honestly I just got busy in other areas of life. There was the whole returning to teaching thing, which really takes it out of you.  Then all the other writing I've been doing really knocked me out of the game, but I'm back in the blogging action.

As I alluded to before I've spent most of my writing time on a special project.  Seven years ago I started my first novel.  Things moved slowly for a long time and then this last year things took off!

I spent most of my summer adding over a hundred new pages to the book and I am excited.  Hopefully by this time next year I will have in my hand the completed master piece.

So this summer was fun and productive. Two thumbs up.

The other thing I'm excited about just happened this last month.  I wrote a children's book. The book is called, That's Not a Unicorn!

The crazy thing is that I just submitted it as a project on Kickstarter.  Hopefully in a few day I be raising the necessary to get the book finished and published.

Now I know what your thinking, "Brian, I would have giving you the money to finish your book."  Well the good news is that you still can, just go one over to Kickstarter  next week and donate there.  Plus you get amazing rewards for your donations.

Anyway I hope to see and hear from you soon.  

The Heart Is

There is nothing greater then the heart.
In one organ layes the immeasurable capacity to expound great truth and live in total denial of said truth.
It is, to quote the Torah, deceitful above all else.
It must be followed but never trusted, heeded in it's warnings but forsaken for it is prone to flights of fancy.
It is immense in it's persuasion of the mind. It will stop at nothing to deny an attraction that the least informed could not hope to miss, yet the heart will cling to any straw argument that would allow the slightest Ray of hope in the most doomed of pairings.
 
Such is love, such is humanities greatest virtue and vice.
The great defender and the achilles heel of the soul.
What shall we suggest would rectify this eternal dilemma?
I, in my wisdom, would purpose nothing.
Yes, nothing is my solution, for nothing will help; and nothing will be heard of it.
Many a man has waxed eloquent with musings of love and the same is said over and over with much passion.
Simply put, the heart wants what the heart wants.  Thus it is pointless to argue with what is already set in stone. 
 
You would tell me that you have seen hearts changed in the past, and I would tell you that this is foolish.
You have seen no such thing.  
You have only glimpsed the outward impression of such a change, but no such change has occurred.
All that has transpired is the shifting forward of the secondary want. 
Usually it is the want of comfort, security or in the modern tongue, Stability.
This is not a change it is the lie. 
 
Now in the recesses of the heart high on a shelf that can only be glimpsed by it's creator sits a box.
It is labeled "what if" or "if only". 
This box contains the true wish of your life, the one you can't mention in decent company. 
It is often the dirty little secrete, that you scream in your mind while in an others embrace.
It is simple enough, so simple that in a moment of release it could shatter all the pretty lies you built to protect it.
If you were to be honest for a moment you know that this moment of release is the only thing in life that you want and dread  in such unison that you walk a constant wire of love and hate.
And you are utterly torn between which side of the war you are on. 
 
Oddly enough you fight your own heart and soul not knowing whether you should be flight or surrendering.
Here I must interject my own opinion that sometimes the only way to win is to surrender. 
But how do you know this is the truth and not the lie?
Well that's the rub.  If you knew in our mind it would be your mind that makes the choice and let's be honest the truly grand adventures are not reasoned with the mind but driven by the heart and felt in the soul.
And if it's the lie....
Then this is life and you should not be surprised that once again your heart led you there.
 
I will not say it led you wrong because it led you to live life, and what is a life not lived if not a lie itself.
It is that lie that keeps your heart in longing and your box hid away upon that high shelf.
Take it down and let it breath. Just for a moment and see if anything comes of it. If not take a knife and kill it if you can, but don't pause.  Don't for one second listen to it's lies because if you do then it will win, and the last thing you want is to follow the shiester down the rabbit hole.
Down there are weird and wonderful things.
Things that have no place in proper society.
Things that can't be trusted as true.
But a what if it's no lie?           

FREEDOM

Today marks a special day in our lives. Jen and I are happy to be experiencing a sort of freedom.

Freedom is the state of not being imprisoned, enslaved, or otherwise constrained, or more specifically:

• Free will, the ability of rational agents to exercise control over their actions, decisions, or choices
• Political freedom, the absence of interference with the sovereignty of an individual by the use of coercion or aggression
• Economic freedom, most commonly defined as the freedom to produce, trade and consume any goods and services acquired without the use of force, fraud or theft

Take a guess as to which of these we are feeling today. If you have know idea what has been taking place over the last few months, or year for that matter, you may not want to guess.

I simply put much of my time has felt like this:
....and sometimes I would wonder why I was even forced to be at my desk when the people I was called to help where not in the room with me.

Then of course there where the awkward social interactions often miss labeled as "work meetings".
The worst part is that I'm not the slightest bit interested in meeting with someone who just wants to talk and who has no real interest in my opinion to begin with. So though I couldn't get to it today I am hoping to have a seen much like this take place soon, but with a cell phone not a photocopier. Then I'll kick back and relax with a beautiful woman named Jennifer....

...or spend sometime in peaceful contemplation.



Sometimes you have to let go.....


Sometimes you just have to KICK IT IN THE TEETH!!!

FREEDOM!!!!

In the fog and seeing clearer

This morning I awoke to a weird feeling of unclear clearness. I have had no responses to my job search and I have no idea were I should be looking for a job. The other side of this was that I felt completely comfortable knowing that this is were God has brought me.

Last night at college group we spent time sharing the scripture that encourages, gives hope and allows us to be still in the storms of life. I was completely blessed by the sharing of my brothers and sisters. Thus today I have no doubt that the reading and sharing of God's word with in a fellowship has a greater impact on the day to day life then the highly orchestrated and somewhat ritualistic services we often attend on a weekly basis.


I in no way wish to come off as anti-preparation. If fact I did a certain amount of preparation to facilitate the discussion last night. The point I am making is that the exchange that takes place between the Body of Christ when sharing the impact of God's Word in our lives should never be over shadowed by our desperate need to discriminate information.


Boil it down

...and we are a body and a body has got to share the nutrition. The blood cycles through the whole body. The blood brings life.

...and when one part of the body is hurting the rest of the body feels it. The body can choose to feel it and move to heal it, or the body can ignore it and aid in the malnourishment of it.

...but when the body moves to encounter what God is doing in and through it's parts, that is when we begin to see the broad stroke of Scripture God is painting across all His creation to reveal Himself.

...and this amazing, all powerful, creator God uses the sharing of changing lives to change lives.. We are all in a growing process with in a hostel environment. Why pretend otherwise? Why pretend that we are alone?

So here I am in the fog and seeing clearer then yesterday. I have been struck by the knowing that no matter how alone I may feel, there is no chance that I walk this road alone.

So I invite you to share.

The Little Comforter

The other day I was very sad, this is not uncommon for me of late. On that day I was also very upset in a very verbal and emotional way. Now I didn't feel much like talking. In fact I was laying alone in bed. This was about to change.
Being a father means that I am responsible to help my children understand life, and I that day I felt that Zoe deserved an explanation as to why her normally fun daddy was not so fun.

So I had her crawl up next to me and I began to explain. "Sometimes when daddy is really upset it's just because he misses Grampy so much." To this my four year old responds by taking the hem of her dress and wiping my tears and reminding me that Grampy is in heaven.

So I had a few more tears in that conversation, which she wiped and she gave me a few kisses.
Then suddenly the "tickle monster" came back and fun times broke out again.

Thank God for little comforters.

Heeding Hope and Health Part 1

August 31

It has been an "interesting" year. I have been up and down, in the valley and on the mountain top. Through it all the one constant has been the unwavering "knowing" of Adonia.

ADONIA "Master, Lord, LORD"

As all things seem to crumble, my Lord has never shown a sign of weakening and thus my foundation has never been cracked or worn. This is a constant comfort and provides the stability that is so often allusive.

I tend to place things on top of the foundation -false flooring, cozy carpets, stone tile of various kinds- all of which look very nice and often gain me complements, yet they are not the foundation. They will be the things I walk on and as I walk this path they change the sound of my footsteps. As I gave this more thought it struck me that in decorating my foundation I inadvertently change the sound of God's voice. I no longer hear the simple sound of my feet on foundation.

No, I have added that which changes, muffles and distorts sound. Every piece of flooring or furniture now keeps the sound of the foundation from resounding as I walk. Soon I begin to imagine that the decorative things which I have added are the foundation that supports my feet.

It is then that the true master of the house rises from the floor, near the corner where I had "assigned" him to work. He begins to critique my work, but in the process begins to remove the decoration -pointing out my sloppy and inconsistent work- work marked by a general lack of skill.

I am at first offended then embarrassed and finally relieved. So relieved that a master craftsman has taken over a job in which I was way over my head. I am startled by how much needs to be removed. I thought some of my work could survive the critique. Here at the point of having everything stripped bare I begin to pace -and trip over the remnants of my beautiful work- discarded pieces lay strewn across the floor.

I become frantic -running around snatching pieces up. They must be tossed out.

To the trash! To the trash!

There must be no evidence that I ever tried to do this on my own and failed -as I run, stumble and fall.

My stumbling blocks are the various pretty pieces that once adorned my foundation. I am now on my knees -where I get a better view. A better response to the stumbling block is dropping to hands and knees -to begin to move along the foundation with the Master craftsman.

From here I can see a once unnoticed beauty of what he had already etched and stained into the solid form at the time of it's pouring out. It is overwhelming in it's simple complexity -craftsmanship which could only be accomplished by planning long before the foundation was laid.

I no longer cling to the trash bag. It is clear that now is not the time for clean up -even as others yell at me to get my "stuff" together, get the mess cleaned up and get back on my feet. No, now is the time for ripping up and taring out. Everything I've added must be removed. Some of it will not be thrown in the trash but moved to hang on the walls as simple decorations, pictures of what has taken place on this journey. They are not ever to be confused with the foundation, as they do not hold weight. They are instead held up by the nails.

I move to the corner not in retreat - not running as some would claim. I simply had to relinquish any claim to the center. From the my spot in the corner I watch my Lord work. He reveals more and more foundation, and more and more wondrous beauty. Now I understand the urge to kiss the ground I walk on. That ground is holy and not of me...

... and as all things I've built seem to crumble, my Lord has never shown a sign of weakening and thus my foundation has never been cracked or worn. This is a constant comfort and provides the stability that is so often allusive.


So today I am sitting and wondering, pondering -1 Samuel 15:22
"...To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams."
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(I alluded many Bible passages today. Please feel free to comment with references and add more that come to heart)
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Stages

As a Christian people expect you to grieve a certain way. To respond and then move on.

Mourning is an interesting process, at least I have told people that and been told that myself.

But what is a process with out order? If this has order I don't see it.

It isn't chaos either, but it seems to get harder when you know all standard the answers.

Knowing the answers means no new bit. No new nugget of truth to brighten the day so you must cling to the truth already known.

People try to express understanding, but it's hard because we can't really know where someone is at.

This is why we take what comfort we can from a sympathetic high priest.

So how do you go through the stages of grief, when you know the answers and people just want you to go back to normal?

Denial- How do you deny something you know so well to be true, to be reality. It's hard to ignore something like a huge hole in your heart, yet you know that if God didn't fill it that it would have emptied long ago

Guilt- Why should I feel guilt if I said what I needed to say before it was to late, and I'm forgiven anyway.

Anger- What if you refuse to be angry? How would you justify anger at the one who holds life in His hands and gives eternal life to the dead. You could rage against the curse of sin, but the best way to be angry at sin is to give it the silent treatment.

Bargain-How do you bargain with God if you habitually give him everything everyday? You would have to think you have something that He needs or wants, but he already has everything and all you have is cast on Him because you can't carry the weight.

Depression- What if you are constantly reminded of your blessings? How do you spiral into depression when your are surrounded by the hugs and laughter of your little blessings everyday, and when people care so much.

Acceptance- I can't even right about this. I don't understand it. As a Christian I don't have to accept it because God provided a way of escape. That's the point. This is why we really want our friends and family to know Jesus Christ, so that we don't have to accept that they're gone forever. Because their not.

All I need is a little distraction from the empty sounds. He was such a huge voice in my life.

I want to hear him still, but there is much talking, so much noise.

I want a break down. I want loose myself. I just don't see it in me.

How do you restart a life that never got a chance to stop.?

Why do people want to stop the pain that lets me know how much I truly loved?

Where can I go.....? ...God you are there already!

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God Moving

I was just going to post an update and it got long winded.


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GOD MOVING


I woke up this morning....Think I woke up, but I'm not sure I slept. There I lay thinking I'd never move; that I had lost hope and then I looked up. God was still there holding me: causing me to breath every labored breath.

The world has turned and left me here....I'm still stumbling to get dressed. This new suit feels so awkward and unnatural. Do I really need this thing tied around my neck? It's mine to carry, but it is heavy, so I pass it on. God is still here carrying my baggage.

My eyes are open.... The day seems dark. It's hard to walk around because so many things are not were I left them. Like a thief has rummaged through my house and I just stood watching as he tried to take things of value. All I could grab in the dark was this old book. God is still lighting my path.

There is to much noise in the air around me.... It is to silent to think. I sit in the noisy silents until a friend reminds me to turn my music. It helps to hear praise in the storm. It gives me something to focus. I begin to meditate and consider all His might deeds. I hear His still small voice. God is still loudly working.

My heart is lifted up... This is so painful. There is a new hole in my heart that feels so immense that I can't imagine what will ever stop it's spread. This not a time for my imagination. I am firmly rooted in reality. God is filling every part of me.

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