Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Well after months of pain and stress the house is no longer ours. Hopefully this means that my ulcers will go away. I have already began sleeping better at night. True true, I have cut back on coffee this week, but that is not the reason for better sleep. After all caffeine has no effect on me (screams the jittery man)! No it all became so clear to me when I went through the bills this week. As I gazed down my mortgage bills and smiled....... Yes I smiled and thought, "I don't have to pay these anymore!" Suddenly that plasma TV seems so much closer to reality then ever before.

Yes, we did lose money on the house, but we learned a valuable lesson about life and faith. No I will not tell you what it was. Because I cry when I talk about it so get off my back. Anyway the thing I miss most about the house is the squirrels. They were fun. i know that they miss me too. After all who will feed them coffee beans now? Coffee and squirrels that never gets old.

I would like to thank Grandpa Art for lending me the money I needed to close on the house, Uncle Mark for fixing my furnace, big papa Ray for getting the bed out of the window and Troy, Austin, Jake and Hunter for moving things out!

Wow that was like my first "Shout Out" and it felt good. I think I'll have another. I'd like to thank Mr. Keane my 5th grade teacher for not turning me in when took a knife to school, Scott for busting my nose at the family reunion on the way back from the roller rink, and O'Doyel because you rule.

Thank you Dad for playing hours of speed ball with me, Mom for teaching me to shop , and Ricky for playing FF1 all the way to the end so that I could beat the final boss.

Thank you Randy for telling me about Jesus, Lorraine for asking me to speak at school, and Officer Johnson for giving me two speeding tickets.

Thank you Spam for giving me high blood pressure, Diet Pepsi for sucking the life from my bones, and Hulk Hogan for reminding me to take my vitamins.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, the house! So we are all moved and happy to live in a nice quiet town with no crime. Well no crime except the flamingo violence, but that is another story for another day.

So I've included a picture of our new place. Do you like?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I hate dress clothes! Yes I do and anyone who has met me already knows that. When I was asked why I have such an adversity to up tight clothing I had a hard time answering. So I checked with my lawyer, who reminded me to never use my real name while talking about things that are "Classified" or "secret". That guy is so up tight. Anyway.....

The whole thing harkens back to my time as a double "O" agent in her majesties secret service.

"But your not even British" you say. Really, and I bet you are one of those Yankee yahoos that believe the colonies really won the so-called American Revolution. Sure and that's why the Queen has here eye on us. Don't believe me? Why do you think we still have Canada hanging over our head? They are there to keep an eye on us. We're just a test tube for some of the Monarchies more outrageous ideas. Like using your hands in a Football game or getting rid of Simon Cowell. Just look at him. He's still cranky about it. But you know what the Queen avoided a peasant uprising and that's what counts. Besides there is no other way to explain the way Americans feel toward the French. And have you ever looked closely at just whose eye is on the U.S. dollar. Look familiar?

Back on topic.

"But you don't look like James Bond" you say. Well no I don't, but neither does Daniel Craig, but they still cast him to play Bond in the film. Seriously do you really think that British secrete agents look like the movies? Come on say it with me.......

"The movies are not real and I don't believe everything I see on TV."

Good Job! See your head didn't even explode.

The truth is that if you knew what an agent looked like we would be of no use to England. Now I probably shouldn't show you this, but here's a class picture from my days at the Royal Academy.

Now if you have read my profile you know who I am. I had to protect the identity of most of my classmates otherwise I'm sure the New York Times would out me for leaking sensitive materials.

Two of them need no such protection. First, Paul Meyer. This guy was, well Paul Meyer. The Meyer family has long been known for striking terror into the hearts of the masses. In fact we used to hear screams of "PAUL MEYER" everywhere back in the day. So if you happen to see him.... turn and walk away!

The second is Patrick. Don't worry about seeing Pat because he's a ninja. Chances are that if you are anywhere close to him you will be dead soon.

So most of the time I don't mind just waxing on and on about all the fun I had with a license to kill. (Yes mom, only bad people are referred to being hurt in the writing of this blog so don't worry.) There is one story that just freaks me out every time I talk about it. It was the day I got my first suit. We went to visit the Queen's personal tailor. Oddly enough his name was Taylor. He was freaky. Now there are all kinds of freaky in this world and he was "killer clown" freaky. He just kept jabbin' me with those pins, and yes I cried. Ok, I'm man enough to admit it. Those girls laughed at me, and that really hurt.

Guys am I right? Nothing hurts like a girl laughing at you. Now remember these girls had skills and could kill a charging rhino with their pinky nail. I didn't want to show weakness so I did the only thing I could! I ran out of the store a picked a fight with the first guy I saw. Unfortunately the first guy happened to be an entire rugby team. Believe me I took no joy in handing them the beat down of their lives, but I had to save face in front of the ladies. Why oh why must we try to impress the ladies. It makes us do such stupid things!

So as you can see I have good reason to hate dress clothes. Oh and they just aren't comfortable too. So never ask me again!