For a while now I have felt stuck. The past still lingering and the future still distant. I looked at this first as a torment and then an as opportunity for growth. Growth however requires change, and so I set about looking for the points that need to change. I suggest that everyone do this.
Over the last few weeks I have come to a couple conclusions about my growth areas.
First, There are areas in which I am very unforgiving. I took time to pray about this, and realized that I can not live a life of unforgiveness. I would never fully heal.
Second, My chief complaint has been against God. Specifically His slowness to judge what I have demeaned wick. I judged that those that hurt me are evil, wicked persons hell bent on destroying me. I deemed them worthy of God’s judgement and thus I had viewed myself as innocent.
This was a hard thing to digest. It did not fit nicely into the "get over it" space that people keep pushing me towards. I took time to pray. I understand that this judgement is based largely on my emotional state. This is the state I am in. I am glad that I could admit this, by virtue of admitting I was hurt, I acknowledge that my judgement is not in complete health.
I pray. I am drawn to scripture…
…Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.
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1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
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So we should learn to look on the heart, right? See what people really intend? This is as I was traditionally taught. Here’s the problem. We are incapable of doing this. Go ahead and argue that you can see peoples true intentions. Go ahead. I will tell you that I believe you are wrong. I don't believe individuals are able to understand their own intentions most of the time. This requires a deeper understanding then the average person applies, and also maybe totally impossible without the aid of the Holy Spirit to begin with.
So I for one am going to attempt to no longer apply, what I believe to be erroneous interpretation, to this passage. It judge led me to judge others wrongly.
I decided to look at this passage again, apply the simple truth that we are not God to this process.
We are left with two options.
-Option One: We just can’t do what we were taught we are supposed to do. We face the question, "Is God asking the impossible from us?'
-Options Two: The statement should just be read as true fact. We do this and God does this.
I will tell you right now that God does not ask the impossible from us. He asks us to acknowledge what we are and thus our need for him. So what’s my point? What if this verse is simply a reminder of the short comings of human understanding. If I stay conscience of this short coming then it opens up the possibility of something huge.
Before I say what I believe that is let me first explore the negative that comes along with thinking we really know someones heart. As humans when someone pleases us we believe there intention to be benevolent. As a human when someone displeases us we believe their intentions to be malevolent. So our human understanding tends to be based on a pleased or displease response.
What about when we step out of this mentality and remain cognizant of our human inability to see true heart? I believe this leaves space for that small zone between pleasure and displeasure. This is the zone where the benefit of the doubt lives. It is where we can say we aren’t pleased with the result, but we understand that the outcome was not the result of purposeful wickedness, but a mistake or accident occurred.
We don’t like to live in this area. We like to pretend we do, but we don’t like living here. You may protest, but I’m preaching to myself too. I like to believe that I am loving and forgiving, but I also like to believe that I “KNOW’ people and can see what motivates them and that I’m an authority on everybody else business.
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Side note: Learning to ignore things is not the same thing as being a loving and forgiving person. Learning to ignore things usually makes you ineffective in actually helping others or it makes you a ticking time bomb that will explode at a later date.
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So where we like to live (or mistakenly live) is not the same as where God wishes us to live. Why do I say this? Look below…
Reference: 1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. Proverbs 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
I believe that love lives in the middle zone. Love is not self pleased and love does not harbor an offense. So love lives in the unnatural middle. It is here that as few of our most popular verses actually live and find meaning. Catch phases like, “I can do all things through Christ & all things are possible for those.”
Let me take an unpopular stance right now. I don’t believe that these have anything to do with my athletic prowess or work success except in the area of Christ like character. If they did I would have to debate where Tim Tebow failed and Steph Curry succeeded in following Christ. I'm not going to do that because I don't believe the verse apply the way most people are choosing to apply them.
Why am I even going down this road? I am on this road because I believe true healing pushes me toward this middle place. That the calls to “get over it” and “just move on” are completely contrary to Christ’s work in our lives. The middle is a place that I can not live in under my own strength. It is a place that God's love sustains us and His joy in us is full.
As I have been on this journey toward I realize that I have been wandering in and out of this middle. This occurred mostly because I would be pressed to revisit things that I should have forgiven. I can't blame others for this. I chose to revisit those hurts that stirred up judgement within me. It made me feel momentarily better to see myself as the victim. Whether or not I was the victim is not the point. Revisiting the hurt to be the victim stirred judgement and pushed forgiveness down the road.
So here I am looking at the middle and realizing full well that if I can submit to God's spirit, then I can live there. I have two very simple, but extremely difficult things to do in order for this to happen. First, I must stop believing I can "perfectly" judge peoples motivations. Second, I must actually allow forgiveness to take place.
Sadly, I don't believe I have the strength to do this. Thankfully....."I can do all things through him who strengthens me."Philippians 4:13
I believe that God wants me to live in the middle and so it must be possible for Him to hold me there.
I know that some of us have been really hurt, and it's hard to believe that things can get better. I know it's hard. I want to leave you with the words of Job.
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2
If God wants it. It is possible. We just have to be willing to go there with Him.
This morning I took a long walk just to rest my soul. It has been hard to get back into the habit of restful walks. As crossed a bridge I was drawn to how calm the water was. I stood beside these still waters and asked God to bring my soul to a place as calm and still as the water appeared. It was interesting to know that there is some much life beneath the surface of that calm water. I know there is life in me too.
