Saturday, June 24, 2006


People keep asking me how I am doing. Most of the time when people ask that you respond, "fine" of "good".
I really can't say that. I have been telling people, "I'm still breathing", as if to say, "well I'm not dead yet so that's good".
The truth be told, which does not seem to happen very much around here......
I am not doing fine.
Yes, I am still breathing, but all is not well.

I have never felt so betrayed in my life.
I have never been so blindsided in my life.
I have never questioned what I believe about grace the way I do now.
I have never found it so hard to be me.
I have never been so willing to give so much to have normal again.
I have never felt like I tried so much and got so little in return.

I have to ask myself, "Should I have seen this coming?"
You tell me........ I'm just trying to breath right now! Like I was chested out of nowhere!

If I didn't have God what would I have to hope in?
Nothing.....and that may be the only thing I really understand right now.


scott said...

Brother, He who loves us most, stands at the door of our heart and knocks patiently. Sometimes He knocks with a car crash, and other times He knocks with the ways of man meant for evil and made good by His grace and love for us. Love, tough or soft, ends in blis with Jesus the one who we praise for we are always put in a better place for His glory. I love you so much, but He Loves You More!

tim said...

bro, you know you are always in my prayers. I cannot say I know what you are going thru, but anytime you need to talk I will listen. whenever I feel like the everything that can go wrong is going wrong I read Job. No matter what depend on God and He will bless you.

Peggy said...

Oh Dear Brian,
I wish you were here or I was there to give you a great big "mom" hug!! You spoke a lot about feelings. If feelings are the engine of your train (fact, faith, feelings are the cars incuded), you are heading for a wreck and may hit a tree and that hurts!!!! So, get the feeling to the back of the train as the caboose where they belong. It is hard, I know, but God's mercy will help you do this. You have come too far to fall now. Hold on to the prayers and faith of your friends and family if you must for a while. We will carry you to the feet of Jesus because we love you. But after you cry really hard and cry out really loud (great relief) then you must find the faith I know you have in God to stand strong again. It will come!!!! Just give it time.
Notice I didn't say to shake off your feelings or even discount them. They are real and you hurt! Just put them in a safer location in your life. Feelings are a very valid thing. God created them and gave them to use for a purpose. They are also very powerful. Don't let them use you, you use them. Ask God to help Master that ship. He also gave us the ability to have Faith in the Facts of His Word. I don't know the facts of your circumstances but I do know that whatever they are, there is a way out. God promises us that so find the faith in that for your life. Don't fall into the pit where Satan is anxiously waiting for you. So many Christians do this:(. By you being vunerable and honest enough to post your feelings, I know you are seeking advice and a helping hand. That's not only okay, but good. See God's grace through the words of your friends and family. We love you (did I already say that? Oh, well, I said it again!) and we will be here for you.
Read over and over Jonah's prayer. The currents swirling about his were literal but don't we feel currents of circumstances and choices swirling around us at times? Pray Johan's prayer of pleading and faith. (vs 1,4,6,7& 9)
"B-I-G HUG".
Love, Peggy

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