The Abandoning Wandering

One of my favorite J.R.R. Tolkien quotes states, "Not all those who wander are lost."  It's a line from the poem All That is Gold Does Not Glitter.  I think I love this quote because I like to wander, with the name Neuenschwander, what do you expect.

I will probably return to this subject at a later
date, but wanted to approach the idea.

When I look at the story of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.


Joshua 5:6 recounts, "For the people of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, until all the nation, the men of war who came out of Egypt, perished, because they did not obey the voice of the Lord; the Lord swore to them that he would not let them see the land that the Lord had sworn to their fathers to give to us, a land flowing with milk and honey."

I have taught this story for years and each time I feel that I come closer to understanding. Still today I am wondering about the process. They spend years in the wilderness. During this time they do worship God. They do receive instruction. They do have good an bad times. They submit, but also rebel. They older rebellious generation dies off and the younger generation is left knowing only the wandering life as normal.

This makes me wonder about my walk with God. I have now walked with God for over twenty years. It's a generation really. Years spent seeing the different rebellious parts of me be put to death. As I approach this next stage of life I truly wonder if I am at a loss because it will be so different. Could it be that I have grown so accustom to the WILDERNESS, that I can not perceive the promised land?

I wonder if my struggle could possibly be a indication of how the American church in general has acclimatized to the wilderness as the norm.  I better get back on track. That is way to big a subject for me to tackle today.

The long and short of it is this:   I am excited to stop wandering, and willing go fight in the land. -Whatever battles need to take place in order to let me settle into that land.
-Whatever soil needs to be tilled in my heart in order for me to rest in the Lord.
-Whatever sacrifice needs to be made for me to hold nothing back from my God.

I understand that fear kept them from the land. Fear, uncertainty and longing for the familiar all bound together to tare their hearts from the God of Signs and Wonders. So as I stand here preparing to cross multiple rivers, mountains and valleys, ...

I am moved with JOYFUL TREPIDATION, and I wonder if I am truly ready to stop wandering.

Ungracious Response To Your Own Question

She looked at me and said, “Oh get over it. God’s got you.”

Because of this I didn’t post for awhile. It was a weird exchange. One that made me want to respond in a very non Christ manner. A moment of pause later, and I simply smiled and said, “That’s why I’m taking the steps forward.”

It’s not that I don’t know that God has me. That’s not the issue at all. It’s that life leaves emotional scares. I hadn’t been walking around crying or bemoaning my life. In fact I was just walking through the halls being “OK.”   She stopped me. This woman I’ve known for years and who knew my story. She asked me, “How you doing?”  I paused for a moment and said, “Ah well..”  Before I could continue she responded, “Oh get over it. God’s got you.”

Get over it?

The reason I bring it up is because this seems to be a trend.  Lot’s of good people asking others how they are, only to turn on them for responding in a less then the socially acceptable way.  The interesting thing is that I was going to tell her that things were rough, but I knew God would guide me through it. Instead of that exchange I was left feeling a greater distanced from the body of Christ. 

So maybe it’s time to clarify for all of us. Telling people in passing to, “Get over it,”  is not the encouragement that we are to offer. You have effectively told the person that their hurt or pain is not valid. You are saying that you are not a safe person to share with, and worse yet, you are telling them that you either don’t really care; or you don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with their hurt.

Now if you and I are sitting together and you lean over and say, “Hey I want to help you get past this. God has you.”   Well that’s a bridge of encouragement to a person stranded on an island of hurt. 

One exchange helps. One exchange hurts. This exchange made me feel like I just shouldn’t respond to things for awhile.

Speaking to the idea of "God's got you."
Psalms 91:1-2 says, He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

If you are hurting remember God will hold you through the pain and into the healing process.

Monday is Monday, but Joy is Joy

I don't know how you feel about Mondays, and I'm guessing that not everyone had a good day.  I just don't think It has to do with Monday being Monday as much as it does with the general attitude we have about going back to work after a break. 

My kids weren't thrilled to head back to school after being off for four days and I wasn't wanting to send them off.  I enjoyed spending that extra time with them. 

Still there was something wonderful about the fact that I got to do some work today and it was relatively pain free. I was joyful in just having the opportunity to work. Now later tonight I may feel some pain in my bad shoulder, but....yes I am feeling some pain in my shoulder already…I still have that joy. 

It is in this joy that I recognize that even though today was tough (because it was) I still had that thing that turned would be toil into something to smile about.

Take a moment to reflect on Psalm 90:17 “May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us-yes, establish the work of our hands.”

I may not being doing the work I want to be doing, but this work is still from God. There has been very little that I have been able to do about work, but my attitude has been within my reach this whole time. Each day I find joy, I also find victory.

I hope you can find that thing in your work too.  I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s necessary, and it’s of God.

Recognize the Actual Battle

This morning I awoke cranky, hurt and upset. Almost immediately I recognized that I was wrestling with the flesh.  Recently I have recently been experiencing what it is like to have love and acceptance offered to me as people rallied around me. The flesh had forced hurt and frustration upon me. The supporters offered love and acceptance. One of these was of God. This waking realization is driving a change in me. As my once blind eyes, slowly open to the love around me, I embrace the healing process more. 

Galation 6: 1-10 speaks to me today. “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. 5 For each will have to bear his own load.” 

I have understood that I had to bear my own load, and I understand helping others bear there load. Maybe, just maybe God wants me to truly understand how He sends others to help gently bear my load too. This is so much to take in, it’s almost overbearing (pun intended). 

So a couple of loaded questions:
What has been or is the road block to healing in your own life?
Why haven't you been able to overcome it?

Encouragement Beating Back Disappointment

This simple phrase, "Put this toward your gofund." This is the phrase that turned a otherwise disappointing day into a bright spot in my week.  It is so easy to let that moment of despair become a second moment and then a third. 

Here I am at a point in life where I find myself feeling completely drained and incapable. I fight that mental battle as it rages in me every time I feel I should be able to do this.  Then I get weary and then as if it was His plan all along someone walks in.

It is always better when the hands or feet of God, enter the scene without pretense. There is no need for a trumpet to sound when one of us does something good. We can be assured that a trumpet will sound when Christ returns, so we can leave that to Him.  The humble servants that we are called to be need not toot our own horns.

Today as I drifted in my still unsteady walk, other followers of Christ drifted into my life and steadied me.  I can not express enough the value of humble support. It is in these unpretentious acts of love that I see the glaring contrast that is pride.

Where ever Christ is taking me on this journey, I pray He grants me a servants heart. I am not there yet. I am not even close, but I am grateful that I was shown amazing examples of that heart today. 

 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1Peter 5:6

It could be that I am unable to be lifted completely out of this mess, simply because I have not yet been humbled to the point God desires.  I will need to think on this more, but for now I am encouraged.

The Pain of Withheld Reason

One of the most painful parts of healing is lack of information. You may have the desire to move forward, but not a clear understanding as to what you are moving forward from. If you are like me then you have experienced the pain of event without explanation. This is common and the phrase “God only knows” comes to mind and is often appropriate.

What about those times when it’s not appropriate?  Those times when the other person or people involved, do know the reason and simply refuse to share.

I am reminded of Jesus’ admonishment in Matthew 5, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”  

I have this gift that I wish to offer God, yet I am stuck in this place of wanting reconciliation.  The roadblock in healing becomes how do you move past the  question of “What did I do?” when no reason is given. How did I lose this job, relationship, place, _________ (fill in the plank)?  I am asking all of these right now.

People saying, “You know what you did,” does not help. Nor is it Christ like at all.

Romans 14:13 states, “Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.” 

As a Christian I understand that I am not to withhold the reason.  I don’t get to breaking fellowship or cast someone aside. This is a particle of the flesh, and not the Father’s will. Our Heavenly Father desires us to walk into the healing of reconciliation. He asks that as much as it pertains to us we live at peace (Romans 12:8). This seeking peace does not walk off without reason, having thrown another life into chaos.

As for me, I am seeking peace even as I am left without reason for so many things. I am also left with a deeper commitment to not withholding information that would help another heal. I don’t want to put that stumbling block in front of someone else healing process, and I would encourage everyone to do the same.

 Taking Time to Heal

"Have you taken the time to heal?"
This was the question posed to me recently by one of my accountability partners. The answer was, "No, I'm too busy."

But it was the next question that floored me.
"You keep trying to take care of your girls, but how can you give them the best if you don't take care of yourself."

People keep asking what's happened in my life to bring me to the point of needing some time away. I would discribe the last two years as betrayal, loss, hurt, pain and repeat.

Whether through loss of a marriage, loss of a job, loss of my physical health, loss of friendships and loss of yet another place to live...

Yes, I understand that God is doing a work in me, and will heal me if I submit to the process. The thing is, before this was even a possibility I had to get to the end of myself, in order to see how hurt and weak I am.

This is why I am asking for your help. I need to enter fully into the process of healing.

Why Do I Need Funds:
I was recently introduced to a wonderful Pastor on the East Coast who has agreed to walk me through the healing process. Currently I am planning to cross the country twice for multi-week stays.

The funds will be used for travel expenses, room and board, as well as any unforeseen costs.

I understand that some of you may not understand why this is necessary. Please feel free to privately contact me if you need more info.

click here to GoFundMe